Enough is enough, I give up.
In the giving up, I am free. I am learning to accept my flaws, enter into the darkness that lurks in the forbidden places of my psyche, and no longer expend any effort trying to change things that evidently cannot be changed.
I no longer want to practice any kind of religion, or spirituality, or traditional meditation practice. I spend a half-hour or more first thing in the morning just thinking, pondering whatever questions come to mind, having wonderful conversations with myself, with total, unflinching honesty. I write down my thoughts in a journal afterward, which is an important part of this process. I come away from my daily reflection time feeling strong and, finally, self-accepting, as I've spent the time to finally look at myself without blinders.
A year ago, I was diagnosed with and treated for breast cancer. Has this experience been the catalyst for such a marked change in my attitude toward life? Perhaps. I no longer have any patience for bullshit, in myself or in others. Honesty, at times brutal, is the key to my freedom. I see clearly my character flaws, my desires that I do not want to relinquish, my anger and my darkness. But I also see my positive traits, and how I have gained a little wisdom over the years, despite myself.
My freedom is new, fresh, exciting. I am curious, expansive, eager to learn and grow. It is a glorious feeling.
Hi, I followed you from Facebook afew minutes ago and I have already lost the path that led till here lol
ReplyDeleteAnyway, a few days ago, I had a discussion with a friend I met years ago during a retreat. We both followed different paths since then but remained friends. He is quite involved in the path he chose while on my side I have been knocked to the ground by a situation, my elderly mother declining health/end of life that didn't allow me the luxury of pursuing the mystical way I invested so much in for many years, so much that I even became a (Christian) monk for a few years.
It is not only a matter of having spare time to devote ("the luxury") but also the fact that when facing life threatening challenges, all the lovely literature and the noble achievements you were proud of suddenly topple into dust. It is a kind a awakening actually. Awakening from "spirituality" lol
I first had an alert when still at the monastery. I had a big problem going on "outside". I shared my worries with my father "superior" and the poor man had no answer and no help for me whatsoever. All those prayers and stuff and no wisdom to offer.
I have noticed that many times online as I follow that "Rumi" page. Most of the comments are in the fashion of the most simplistic praise. What the master says is always "Great". And no one seems to care if it does really apply to real life situations. it generally doesn't apply to "Syrian refugees" !
But people who follow that page generally have a comfortable life and need to enjoy the luxury of having spiritual fun so as not to get bored and aimless.
Another story. Some friends had a very serious car accident where they could/should have died but ended up without any injuries. They told me that for about two weeks afterwards, they lived in a kind of "marvellous world" where everything was very colourful and shiny, the food very tasty, ...
I suppose for a time, they lived the deepest feeling of life, without any additives. Spirituality is an additive. Like soccer, beer, religion, (...) and Facebook lol
Thank you for sharing that, solfrane! Since I wrote the above post almost two years ago, not much has changed as far as my way of thinking is concerned, but I consider myself a much happier person. I share your feelings about spirituality being an additive, and the time I've spent experiencing life without that filter has been fulfilling. I hope your life is equally as happy and fulfilling.
ReplyDelete